Mix'd Bag

Keebler | Cookie Crooks

10 Comments 23 | November | 2010

It’s a dog eat dog world.  Nowhere is this more apparent that in our capitalistic society.  Whether it’s climbing the corporate ladder, acquiring fame, or peddling product, humans continue to push the envelope of ethical behavior.

BIG WHOOP, right.  It’s been going on since the beginning of time, so what’s the big deal?

Well, recently I found a particularly sinister example of questionable business ethics.  Hiding behind their infinitely loveable spokesperson, and head baker, Ernest J. Keebler (aka. Ernie the Elf), Keebler has unleashed their newest product:  Coconut Dreams.

Look familiar?  Hell yeah, they look familiar!  They’re Girl Scout cookies!!

Are the current economic times so hard on the elves that they need to hijack the primary revenue stream from an American institution?  Are they upside-down on the tree house, an inevitable foreclosure looming just beyond the horizon?  Or rather, is that tree house built from shame and anchored to a foundation of greed.

Keebler’s Coconut Dreams replicate every aspect of the Girl Scout’s “Samoas” (or “Caramel Delights” depending on what region of the country you live in).  The only differences between the two are the former are available year round and they cost less.  Even if you didn’t graduate from Harvard Business School, you can see the potential economic impact on the Girl Scouts.

Girl Scout:  “Excuse me, sir.  Would you like to buy a box of delicious Girl Scout cookies?”

Consumer/Gluttonous Jerk:  “You mean, ‘Would I like to buy the same box of cookies that I just got inside the store, but for twice the price?’ The ones that you only offer once a freakin’ year.  I’m sorry, lil’ darlin’, but thanks to Keebler, I’ve been wolfin’ down boxes of yummy coconut covered caramel/chocolate love biscuits like Jabba the Hut at Red Lobster’s all-you-can-eat Shrimp Fest and by now the saturated fats are hugging my heart like a straight jacket, choking all sense of wrong, right, and cute out of my body.  Your uniform is silly and you’ve been had, little girl.  Now please get out of my way so I can get home to resume my cookie bender while watching The Biggest Loser.”

Even with 10 other cookie types, Keebler’s “candy from a baby” (or “cookies from small girls”) strategy dries up demand for the unquestionable champion of the scout’s lineup (feel free to disagree with me on which “flavor” is best…because you’re wrong).

So what now?  Various confectionery conglomerates continue to co-opt cookie recipes, slowly forcing the Girls Scouts to drop their prices, only achievable by outsourcing production to foreign countries, and necessitating a year-round sales force, effectively transforming unsuspecting scouts into a massive underage labor force in order to keep the institution afloat.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  The Girl Scout will soon be a symbol of child slave labor.  Zing!

Ernie, that’s low.  Real low.  You should be arrested.

So the next time you’re browsing through the cookie aisle of your local grocery store, boycott (or girlcott) Coconut Dreams.  Send the message to the swarm of salivating sweet-selling CEO’s, “that’s NOT how the cookie crumbles.”  Let them know that if they continue down this shady business path you’ll take their elfin’ cookies and cram ‘em up their treehole.  And that’s a promise.

Scouts honor!!

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