Since I’ve gone high and mighty on etiquette lately, I figured I would combine my love for consideration of others with my love of music. A topic familiar to nearly everyone on the planet, the pros and cons of the jukebox could be argued for a lifetime. Sure, they prevent bar owners/workers from continuously subjecting patrons to the Clear Channel Top 10 until I gouge out my eyeballs with a pool cue because I can’t take another Gaga block party, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other tunage tyrants out there. The great irony of the jukebox is that even if a person barely has control over his own bodily functions, he can control the music for an entire establishment. It’s a passive-aggressive wonderland that offers all the benefits of nuclear warfare.
The price-point of $0.50 – $1.00 per play gives people reason to meltdown at the idea that they may not hear their songs before they leave, or worse, someone bypasses them completely. To me, leaving the bar without hearing my selections is the equivalent to ordering a pitcher and leaving it on the table. UNTHINKABLE and only slightly less wasteful than front row tickets to Nickelback.
So what makes a good selection? Well, like a real DJ, a good jukebox DJ pays attention to the crowd, reading the mood and gauging reactions to previous songs. For example, if your at-bat falls after some salami brain who dialed up the smooth sounds of Richard Marx, but only lived long enough to hear a switchblade serenade, I’d recommend you turn the table towards some Megadeth or Eazy-E (depending on who’s switching the blades).
One possible solution to this problem is to limit certain selections to specific days of the week or times of the day. This would help to ensure that the bar won’t be brought to its partying knees by some melancholy, romantic jerk-off lip-syncing “Tears in Heaven” to his fiancé who’s hammered on white-wine spritzers to the point she’s mistakenly replying with the lyrics to “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling,” creating a mild irony only bettered by a random third-party singing “Afternoon Delight.” What?!?
Furthermore, imagine this scenario taking place immediately after you’ve pumped $5 into the machine and labored to create a list that’s nothing short of audio heroin. I alluded to the fact that this can, and does happen. Introducing the “Play Now” feature, a controversial element of jukebox DJ’ery that requires a degree of tact lest it become the hot button that pits competing recreational DJs in head-to-head compilation combat. “Play Now” allows you to pay an additional fee to boost your selection to the top of list and is a bold declaration that you’re about to blow some fucking minds. So should you choose this route I would highly recommended that you BLOW SOME FUCKING MINDS. Otherwise, you’ll be doomed to endure your selfish pick with a room full of dagger-eyed haters.
Given all of the distasteful remarks I’ve made about these awful people who torment bar clientele, I must admit that on numerous occasions, I have held people hostage with my musically elitist and/or Dionysian preferences. In my youth I remember spending an afternoon with my buddy at Dairy Queen and subjecting the staff and customers to 23 straight requests for The Shangri-Las’ “Leader of the Pack.” I suppose that’s what they get for making it a FREE jukebox, but I wouldn’t have been surprised had one of the minimum wage laborers hurled a 16 oz cup of French fry grease in my direction.
And as recently as two weeks ago my friend and I went on a Ween bender at a local watering hole, paintin’ the town brown, and culminating with the live rendition of “Poopship Destroyer.” Not familiar?? Well, it’s a 26-minute odyssey with the emPHAsis on “odd.” Seriously, the YouTube below is the album version, a mere 2:18 of abstract delirium. Multiplied by 11x in a public venue and the result is a complete lapse in comprehension, irreparable loss of logical brain function, and threat of violence. It is nothing short of a miracle that Gener and Deaner scored a record deal before the advent of the internet…or that we paid $0.50, heard the entire track, and walked away from the scene with zero black eyes.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSS0en5z2MQ[/youtube]
Other possible ways to improve the situation…
The Jukebox Breathalyzer:
This could work two ways.
- Either the breathalyzer prevents drunk people from making selections at all, or…
- It could be structured such that you “unlock” songs as you get wasted. Thus, songs that would otherwise be frowned upon would become symbolic of your tolerance and your financial contribution to the bar.
The Scale: Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) at which you “unlock” the band
0.08% – Queen
0.16% – Phish
0.24% – Right Said Fred
0.32% – Goo Goo Dolls
0.40% – James Blunt
0.48% – Creed
0.56%* – Celine Dion
*Anything > 0.50 is legally dead…which is what I’d rather be than listen to this board-flat Canuck rape my eardrums with her banshee wail.
The “Veto” Feature:
“Victims” can pay 167% of the original cost to play a song to stop the selection from strangling the life out of the scene. However, simulating the US government, use of this feature would activate the “We Shall Overcome” feature. While this has nothing to do with civil rights, it would prevent a rich prick from damning each and every choice. However, it would cost an additional 167% of the veto fee to “overcome,” amounting to 279% of the original cost + the original cost (i.e. for the original cost of $0.50, the song would play for an extra $1.39). Nevermind the fact that is an extremely odd quantity of money, and focus on the fact that the additional coins would allow the song to play from the beginning with the “Veto” disabled. Capitalism + Democracy = “My Heart Will Go On”
Six Degrees of Pandora:
In this situation, the song selection is run in a Pandora-esque fashion, dependent upon the last 15 songs. This would force DJs to pay their way out of the musical labyrinth created by their predecessors. Best case you set a good trend and sit back to watch the night flourish with exquisite music. Middle of the road, you’re required to demonstrate some musical expertise, navigating from Cher to The Shins in as few quarters as possible. Worst case, you enter a bar and you hear Jonas Brothers and find a new bar…..forever.
So what’s my point? Oh yeah, the next time you’re in a bar remember this blog post as you pump coin after coin into the jukebox, seek out The New Kids On The Block’s Funky, Funky Christmas, and proceed to “Play Now.” You’ll be happy you remembered to bring an extra $1.39.
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TALKING POINTS
What is your best bar-clearing song?
What is your best bar-uniting song?
How many beers deep do you have to be to even consider spending money on a jukebox? (Me = 5)
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