“…Like oil and water.”

Never has that phrase conjured such vivid imagery.

Unless you’ve been living at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico you’ve heard about a minor incident that is troubling the oil behemoth, BP, the environment, and governments from 6 continents (Australia doesn’t really care).  Having heard rumors of a particularly leaky pipe, I took it upon myself to do some research.  Unfortunately, there just isn’t that much media coverage…  psssshhhh!! All news sources, including your aunt’s blog are firing on all cylinders, gathering information and cyring, “Foul!!”  At this point, opinions are like kittens, people are giving ‘em away (Isaac Brock).  Forget public opinion, we need some answers.  Bring in the “experts!”

Fine then, here we go.  “Expert” opinion has pegged (and I use that term loosely) the daily leakage figure to somewhere between 42,000 gallons per day, at the low end, to 588,000 gallons per day*.  I know what you’re thinking, “Gee, Mr. Scientist, that seems like a curiously large range.”  Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking, too.  Might as well throw a plus or minus 50,000 gallons on those estimates and give BP the chance to argue that the massive explosion could actually lead to 8,000 gallons of oil being sucked out of the gulf on a daily basis.  Well, shit, if that’s the case, break out the ticker tape ‘cause it’s time for a fuckin’ parade.

*http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/05/29/business/main6531206.shtml

Separate subject: How much does ticker tape cost?  Follow up question, can the NYSE sell more of it, kick this bear market in the nards, send ticker tape stocks soaring, create a bubble and then deliver us back into a recession when the dream comes crashing back down, all because of BP’s miracle self-cleaning refinery explosion?

Besides, what exactly qualifies as “expert” these days?  The first post on Youtube?  An online degree from the University of Pheonix?  A bottle of Johnnie Walker and internet access?  Consider that the following theories have foundations in “expert” opinion.

1. The BCS.
2. Intelligent Design
3. Congress
4. Business Meetings
5. The Pull Out Method

Unimpressive, right?  Hence the quotation marks that shall forevermore bookend the word in my mind.

…but I digress.   As a wise Snoop Dogg once rapped, “Back to the lecture at hand…”

Shit’s fuct.  Let me break it down.

For those of you like me (i.e. are fond of statistics and read at a 3^rd grade level), the following site has some pretty pictures and words and I like the drawings of the turtle and the whale.  Fun Facts:  Oil spills.  And if you want to play a very remedial version of SIM City:  Capitalism Rages on Mother Earth, check the hyperlink and you can make up your own “expert” opinion.  It’s so easy, even a caveman could do it.

At an estimated rate of 1 million gallons per day (estimated by yours truly), that means by the time this email hits shelves, we’ll be sittin’ close to 47 million total gallons spilled.  But Ku-wait just one minute….you mean to tell me that we’re less than one-tenth of the way to becoming the largest oil spill of all-time; a paltry effort compared to the near 520 million gallons that spewed into the Persian Gulf in 1991.  Now are you ready for something really mind-blowing?  That shit wasn’t even an accident.  The Iraq army purposely drained oil tankers to prevent US Marines from storming all 35 miles of Iraqi coastline.  With regards to the cleanup effort, Wikipedia states that “about half the oil evaporated, a million barrels were recovered and 2 million to 3 million barrels washed ashore, mainly in Saudi Arabia.”

Note:  1 barrel of oil = 42 gallons

Questions/Comments:

1. (Clearing Throat)  Ahem…please elaborate on the claim that the oil “evaporated.”   According to the extensive research I did in the 2^nd grade, and the resulting shoebox diorama on “The Water Cycle,” oil plays no part….just ask Mr. Super-Smiley Construction Paper Sun.  And what about the oil vs. water argument?  Sounds like a recipe for some volatile weather, in which case I’d wear a burka, too.
2. I thought Marines were tough.  I’m pretty sure my Grandpa swam through 100 miles of oil on his way to the grocery store.  At least I think I remember him saying something like that.
3. Congratulations on recovering 1 million barrels of released oil.  That’s a whopping 9%.  Imagine if Barack came out tomorrow and said, “America, I know this disaster is putting tremendous strain on our great nation, but I will not rest until we clean up 9% of this spill.”  Sweet baby Jesus.  We’d have a special election by July 4^th.  Knowing President Obama, he will personally vow to clean up 110% of the mess, and then house all affected wildlife in the West Wing of the White House.  “Come on Michelle, you know how much Malia and Sasha love our dog, Bo…”
4. Given the apparent laziness of the Iraqi cleanup crew I’m guessing nobody is looking for the “lessons learned” file on Saddam’s computer (Apple II?).  Or perhaps we’ve so thoroughly set that country back that its history survives only in the mind of the elders.
5. Saudi Arabia, are you gonna take that?! Talk about the ultimate flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.  (He called the shit, poop.)

I don’t mean to insinuate that I’m rooting for the spill, and in no way do I want this to continue any longer than is necessary to eradicate Alabama, but I figured I would help put the situation into a historical context.

With all the speculation on the hows and the whys of the explosion, I’d like to point out that it occurred on April 20^th.  Aside from being Hitler’s birthday, can anybody think of any external forces that might have been acting on the crew?  This is drugs.  This is your brain on drugs.  Any questions? Just one, “How far has Pee Wee Herman fallen?”

So what’s the bottom line?  Oil is bad?  Renewable energy is the way to go?  Tony Hayward is the antichrist?  Perhaps all three?? Nein.  Here’s the take away, Oil Rules, and not in the same way that San Dimas High School Football Rules.  We are talking 2010 first quarter profits of $6 billion for BP…in a fledgling economy!  *choke* Contrast that with the estimated cost of cleanup + impact on Gulf coast economies + innumerous factors that I’m leaving out.  The total will inevitably be upwards of umpteen billion (I refuse to research this figure or even provide my own “expert” judgment).  The idea that a 47-million gallon accident can leave a company not only economically viable, but fully operable, is frightening.  Again….*choke*.

With all my ranting, I feel bad that I don’t have a solution to bring to the table.  Instead, I will leave you with a heavy dose of irony (my specialty), in the form of a picture taken at a BP gas station.  Kinda makes me want to head to the nearest gas station, put $1 on Pump #4 and leave a lit Marlboro light behind.  Burn on you, BP.

Whew!  Once again a percentage of us have made it to the end of the mix email, much like a caravan on the Oregon Trail (Forge the river!!).  I apologize for the late delivery, but I should have never set a deadline congruent with BP’s timelines.  Ugh.

Ok.  I’ve run out of “expert” opinions…and Johnnie Walker, so I best bid y’all adieu.  In closing I’d like to offer a combination of salutation and BP solution.

Suck it.