Email has a lot going for it. It beats the pants off a fax machine, and has damn near put the US Postal Service out of business. But for all of its benefits, there remain some pitfalls. Unsurprisingly, and unfortunately, ALL of the major drawbacks have to do with the users and not the programs. Thus, I can’t just toss out the old ones and ask the IT department to install new ones.
Based on my own personal work experience and various conversations with friends and coworkers, the reigning champion of email faux pas is the Reply-All. By no means is this abuse limited to work emails. Many, MANY personal email chains come with this affliction.
The problem is that, to my knowledge, there is no way of removing oneself from such a chain without the offending party getting all “butt hurt.” The work environment provides scarce opportunity for removal, and depending on who the assailant is, your job might be hanging in the balance. Personal emails offer a few more avenues, but successful extrication is largely dependent on the thickness of your friend’s skin. From the victim’s point of view simply replying, “unsubscribe” seems to be the best option. Since reading the email made me want to finger fuck an electrical outlet, the last thing I want to do is waste more time playing nice while explaining why your vapid response of, “Yay! I’m in. LOL,” is really a passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing decree that my time is worth very little to you.
My general feeling is this:
Reply-all should be used with the same frequency as a fire extinguisher; almost never and only in an emergency.
If I had any say in the matter I would lobby hard for a feature in Outlook (or any email program) that asks, “Are you sure you want to reply-all?!” The downside is that wouldn’t prevent fuck-tards from abusing the function, it would merely prove that they are indeed fucking fuck-tards.
NEXT SUBJECT
The exclamation point used to denote “High Importance” seems to be more common these days. I personally have never once used this feature, but that hasn’t prevented it from gaining popularity with impatient, jerkoff a-holes worldwide. If possible, these people would click this button no fewer than 15 times prior to sending their message (to drive home its perceived importance), and would continue to press it every minute, on the minute, until you replied.
“Did you get my email? It is SUPER important.”
“Yes, I see it in my inbox.”
“Well….did you read it?!”
“Not just yet. I just got back from the hospital where I underwent heart surgery with no anesthesia and I’m just now trying to catch up on….”
“DIDN’T YOU SEE THAT IT WAS LABELED HIGH IMPORTANCE?!!”
“Umm, yes, I see quite a few of them here, but to be fair, I received 39 emails from you yesterday, all with the subject line “HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,” containing between 12 and 54 exclamation points, and all labeled ‘High Importance.’ Would you like to help me prioritize them?”
“Look, I’m way behind on this and my boss is really breathing down my neck. They are ALL important, so please focus on answering all of them ASAP, no later than lunch.”
“It’s 11:30 am”
“Yeah, so.”
“How ‘bout this solution…you keep shoving your head further and further up your ass and eventually it’ll pop out your neck again. Meanwhile I’ll be adding your address to my blacklist and using it to sign up for tween web porn. Good day.” *click*
AND FINALLY…the icing on the cake.
After you’ve been forced to read a superfluous and falsely important piece of literary drivel, what better way to round out the experience than being asked to send a receipt to the sender. REALLY?! Are you fucking joking?! You want ME, to let YOU know that I’ve read your email?? Why, so you can keep tabs on me because I’m untrustworthy, unorganized, and my work ethic requires you supervise me like a toddler at a Tijuana cockfight? Why don’t you follow up with a greeting card and phone call to really drive the point home? Or how about you install a camera in my cubicle so you know what I’m up to, or maybe you can Cc my parents. Either way you’re only shedding light on the fact that you have zero concept of efficiency and that the world would be better served if you pursued a position in the service industry, perhaps Dingleberry Removal.
YOU DIE. YOU DIE AND YOU GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.
Calm, blue ocean. Calm, blue ocean. Relax…
Rather than delivering a giant “man slap”1 to offending party, I’ve found a little known clause written into every single company charter2 that both the email recipients and senders should be aware of the next time the office spam hits the fan. Section 7, Article 12, Paragraph 3…
“Any worker found guilty of sending a reply-all email marked High Importance and requiring a ‘read receipt’ (aka, the Unholy Trinity of Email Sin) shall be forced to proofread one day’s worth of fan mail for the entire cast of Jersey Shore. If a second offense should follow, the guilty party will be forced raise a child with Snooki.
If it is determined that any or all of these functions are default settings, the perpetrator shall be ‘stoned’ to death with staplers, tape dispensers, and three-hole punches. The body will then be sent to the next of kin…marked HIGH IMPORTANCE, with a receipt request.”
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FOOTNOTES:
- If you’re not familiar with the term “man slap” that is because I just made it up. It is the antithesis of a bitch slap and to give you the gist, it doesn’t require pants.
- I wish.
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TALKING POINTS
What are the circumstances, if any, under which any or all of these functions should be used?
What would your preferred punishment entail?
What are some other workplace practices that crush your soul?
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