***RETRO POST***
Like a dysfunctional marriage always teetering on the brink of divorce Republicans and Democrats are once again threatening to “break it off” over the issue of raising the debt ceiling. With the fate of the global economy in question Americans, along with the rest of humanity, are doomed to another around-the-clock B-rated political soap opera playing on all channels until Aug. 2nd, 2011. Sensationalized as “D-day,” August 2nd (supposedly) represents the day that Uncle Sam will start defaulting on his loans. And what happens next?…
Well, we foreclose on our house, shop at the Dollar Store for expired tuna, and live in a van by the river. Eventually the Dollar Store is out of our league and we end up on the streets turning tricks, blowing Johns that used to work for us (e.g. China) for spare change and nuclear technology.
By no means am I trying to scare the Government straight. I’m fairly certain they are so busy playing the part that the voice of reason is a faint whisper trapped in the recesses of their childhood. However, they should be aware that based on the amount of related paperwork involved in raising the debt ceiling requires them to come to a conclusion by July 22nd.
If history has taught me anything, the chodes on Capitol Hill will to argue until the 11th hour, putting on a spectacular show for the population, all the while pretending that we all haven’t already skipped ahead to read the last page of the script. They carry on with their empty threats and fervent pretense like a rerun of WWE Smackdown, hoping their party will commend them for “holding the line.”
I imagine their heated debates sound something like this:
Republicans: I can’t believe we ever got together! What a f*@#ing mistake!!
Democrats: You’re such a flaming bitch.
Republicans: What did you call me?!
Democrats: You heard me….YOU FLAMING BITCH.
Republicans: Oh, helllll no. That’s it. I’m soooo leaving you.
Democrats: Go on then. Git.
Republicans: Like, for reals and I’m not gonna ever come back. Ever. I’m not even kidding.
Democrats: Well what are ya waitin’ for?
Republicans: I’m taking the kids, too.
Democrats: I don’t even give a f*@# about the kids (aka, the American population). They’re lousy little shits. You can have them.
Republicans: Fine. (door slams shut)
Democrats: I had sex with your sister!!
Ok, so maybe I’m picturing a Jerry Springer episode, but I can’t be far off. Perhaps fewer nipple slips though. Regardless, it’s a lot of showmanship and I mean that in the worst possible way.
Try not to spend your holiday weekend thinking about the impending debt debacle because you have enough on your plate. I’d recommend focusing on the following:
- Your buddy across from you…shooting a Roman Candle towards your crotch.
- Having two coolers stocked with ice. One for beverages and the other for exploded body parts.
- Not eating potato salad that has been baking in the hot sun for more than 5 hours.
- Saturn Missiles…those things have zero predictability.
- Peeing outside of the pool. Be courteous….pee in the shrubs.
- Dominating your section of the pool/beach/frat house/retirement home with good music.
Once we’ve accomplished these patriotic duties (ha ha…doodies) we can start the countdown until the balls drop and some Congressmen (and women) start making some real decisions.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
TALKING POINTS
What ever happened to Ricki Lake?
Who fucking cares?
RELATED POSTS
Budget Whoa’s | 6 Ways to Find a Balance
