After four long years, the FIFA 2010 World Cup finally arrived in June.  This is a magical time that galvanizes 31 countries for at least 2 weeks, and one nation for 4 years.  With so much on the line, the tension runs high and so do the expectations.  As with any World Cup, there are many talking points associated with the tournament currently playing out in South Africa.  For example:

The French: Waved the white flag early and flew home in coach class…hopefully without coach.

The Italians: Spent the last four years designing tighter jerseys and forgot to practice scoring goals.

England: Too much time spent sleeping with teammates’ wives.

Diego Maradona: Can’t get busted for using cocaine as a coach, right.

Instant Replay: Proves yet again, that any jackass with an HDTV can claim to have seen the correct call in real time.

However, few topics are as widely recognized or understood as the notorious vuvuzelas.  Regardless of soccer knowledge or interest, anyone who has tuned in for eight seconds has asked, “What the hell is that buzzing sound?”  The never-ending hum is comparable to a colossal hive of angry bees, and has made vuvuzelas the scourge of the competition, even more controversial than “goal line technology.”  The complaints regarding their use have spawned from players, coaches, fans, commentators, and authorities.  In adorably broken English, Spanish midfielder Xabi Alonso said, “Those trumpets? That noise I don’t like … FIFA must ban those things … it is not nice to have a noise like that.”

Additional concerns such as hearing impairment and communication breakdowns have been brought forth in relation to these “instruments from hell.”  Due to overwhelming backlash, FIFA was forced to address the issue and its conclusion is one that I completely agree with.  The vuvuzela is engrained in South African culture (especially soccer culture) and to ban it from the competition would be an unjustifiable bitch-slap to the host country, just shy of denying their national team a spot in the tournament.  Thus the challenge should not be figuring out how to prohibit their use at the matches, but rather, how to limit the incessant buzz.

The marketing genius that I am, I have devised a solution for the next World Cup in South Africa…uhh, 2114??  First, all “outside” vuvuzelas will be banned.  Why?  Because they pose a threat to security, duh.  One can easily fashion the plastic horn into a dangerous weapon used to shank fans from the opposing team, or Ronaldo for being such a whiny pussy.  At least that is the load of horse shit that will get dumped on the public when they question the move.  Note, this is the same flawless logic used by airport security to explain why I’m not allowed to carry fingernail clippers onto the plane.  Not to mention, the way TSA explained to me why I need to take my shoes off in the security line.  That is, “Sir, for each question you ask me, I’m going to stick an additional finger in your butthole.  Now, may I see your boarding pass?”

With all vuvuzela contraband confiscated at the gate, fans will be able to purchase “safe” vuvuzelas sold inside the stadium!  Once again, the parallels to airport reasoning are plenty.  “Why is it that I can’t bring in my own, sealed, water bottle, but I can buy the exact same one for 7x the cost at the gift shop?”  “Sir, might I remind you that you are now two-fingers deep.”

The “officially licensed” souvenir noise-makers will be sold at stadium concession stands and will come filled with the world’s favorite drink, what else….Budweiser.  A prominent figure in world futbol since May, 2010, Anheuser Busch will partner with local vuvuzela manufacturers (in China) to produce a version of the hell horn that includes a valve at the mouthpiece.  Marketed as a Boozuzela^TM, this revolutionary design upgrade will allow fans to either slowly sip on a cold Bud while watching the game or beer bong its contents like a rabid frat boy at a Girls Gone Wild taping.  Either way, “When the beer is gone, so are you!^TM”  Hence, on average, the crowd spends the first half of the game consuming their beverages, and the second half too drunk to toot their own horns.

Of course there remains a large contingent so excited by the combination of World Cup and booze that even the rapid consumption of beer cannot inhibit their ability to blast Bud breath onto nearby spectators.  Accordingly, a more potent version of the Boozuzela^TM will be formulated for these miscreants.  Dubbed the “Manhattan Project,” it will be comprised of 37 shots of rye whiskey, 3 shots of vermouth, 19 dashes of bitters, and don’t forget the cherry!  Promising to “get you bombed like Hiroshima,” it will come with a Life Alert^TM necklace and souvenir toe tag.   In the off chance your tolerance is less than 37 shots in 90 minutes, simply shut the valve, re-dispense the shots back into your horn and focus on keeping your liver from seceding thru your anus.

“But what about the children,” you shriek!  Rest assured, “Roy Rogers” and “Shirley Temple” versions will be made available (using Coca-Cola products only) to satiate the children and maximize the impact of western culture.

The price point for these once-in-a-lifetime beverage experiences, a meager $25 USD = Boozuzela^TM, $40 USD = Manhattan Project, or $15 USD = Lil’ Booboozela^TM.   I know, practically FREE!  This enables members of every socio-economic level above CEO to participate freely in a cultural pastime developed by members of every socio-economic level below six figures.

Some of you might question the motivation behind this proposal, citing recent buzz words like “binge drinking” and “rampant alcoholism,” but those people are missing the entire point…PROFIT MARGINS.  No, that’s not it.  It’s the goddamned commotion from these banshee trumpets.  Hell, you got a better idea?! Let me hear it.

In the meantime, just count yourself lucky that South African tradition doesn’t involve fans repeatedly playing a Big Mouth Billy Bass.  To bring this back to the start, please notice the soccer ball button on the Youtube video, which if pressed, replaces the audio with what else…..vuvuzelas!!

Whatever you take from this rant/diatribe, don’t give up on the World Cup!  Even if the relentless buzzing continues ringing in your ears after July 11^th, remember this… The sound of the vuvuzelas will eventually fade, but the pride of South Africa will be boosted forever.  The same will be true for one other lucky, or should I say talented, nation.  So tune in with the rest of the world and see how it plays out.