2010 is kicking ass and 13 weeks after taking my big Structural Engineering exam, I found out that the end of 2009 kicked ass, too. I have officially been granted licensure as a Structural Engineer in California. I got my blackbelt!! If a couple of exclamation points and the bolded font don’t sufficiently convey my enthusiasm, you can supplement with the image of a 30-year-old man doing karate kicks and punches in the dining room at 8:30 am after seeing the test results online. Suck it, Chuck Norris! Thanks to all of you who offered your love and support while I was buried in textbooks and building codes. I owe you all some good karma. Now I’m striving to be a full-fledged creative writing ninja. Hi-ya!!
You may be aware that the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards aired Sunday night. For those of you who failed to catch any, or all of the 3 ½ hour tribute to music, mania, and gaudy attire, I will attempt to summarize the highlights/lowlights of the evening’s proceedings. Heeeeere we go!
In a night full of somewhat peculiar and exceptionally odd collaborations, CBS decided to pair up a flaming homosexual with an alleged hermaphrodite for their opening number. How could that not work?! Amidst a mass of dirty dancers Lady Gaga emerged in a sea foam dream, looking like Marilyn Manson on Easter Sunday. After performing a portion of her single, “Speechless,” she disappeared into the set, only to return moments later facing Sir Elton John. Continuing with the filthy industrial look, ashy makeup covered both of their faces, as if they’d been bitch-slapped by a gang of chimney sweeps. At opposite ends of a Siamese piano, they dove into Elton’s, “Your Song.” The crowd cheered until the performance ceased, and presumably kept cheering at this unexpected change of luck. At this point, the first award of the night was given to Elton for actually being the least eccentric of the two. Congrats.
Best Rock Album | Green Day
Did anyone really see this coming?! Not just the “rock” album of the year, but Green Day on the whole? Considering early 90’s album titles, “Kerplunk” and “Dookie” I doubt anyone was betting on longevity. But here they remain, as passionate as ever and now with 50% more Politics! Given recent history, something tells me the first letter I write to Washington D.C. will be addressed to Congressman Billie Joe Armstrong. “The representative from California now has the floor.”
The next performance saw Beyonce storm the stage, flanked by armored foot soldiers; Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation reincarnate. Backed by an all female band, presumably all of whom are “independent,” Miss Fierce then dumped a truckload of irony onto the crowd singing “If I Were a Boy.” The icing on the cake was her partial cover of Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know,” sans a few choice words. Fill in the Blank, “…were you thinking of me when you _____ her?” Jay-Z declined to answer.
Pink restated her dream of running away to join the circus by following her acrobatic performance at MTV Music Video Awards with another trapeze act. Dangling from the drapes and spinning for nearly 3 minutes straight, she sang……I don’t actually recall what she sang as I was too busy dry heaving at the sight of her repulsive outfit. A joint venture between panty hose, glitter and strategically placed masking tape, even Cher blushed. In an effort to cool off the situation, she was submerged in water and then spun high above the crowd. Remarkably, the whites stayed white and Pink is still ugly.
The Black Eyed Peas were next up, and claimed the award for “Best Futuristic S&M Outfits.” Adequately described as “Tron meets that one scene from Pulp Fiction,” Will.I.Am and Fergie led the charge through a half-n-half mix of “Imma Be” and “I’ve Got a Feeling.” Born of pure schadenfreude (German for “shameful joy,” in case you didn’t see the “Leftorium” episode of The Simpsons) my desire to see Fergie piss herself and short-circuit her tights went unfulfilled. Doh.
Record of the Year | Kings of Leon “Use Somebody”
Who let the longhairs in? No hard feelings, they were more excited at the opportunity to get backstage and do shots than they were to win the award.
Entertainment Renaissance man, Jamie Foxx, was accompanied by T-pain, and Slash for an auto-tune laden rendition of “Blame it on the Alcohol.” Coincidentally a heavy-set and sluggish dancer was at the forefront of the action, leading me to believe that Mr. Foxx will once again be blaming it on the alcohol.
Preceding their win for “Best New Band,” The Zac Brown Band rocked a medley of “America the Beautiful,” “Dixie Lullaby,” and “Chicken Fried,” only one of which I had ever heard before. Additionally, ZBB were joined by legendary singer/songwriter, Leon Russell. I can only assume he is legendary for resembling the bastard child of Charlie Daniels and ZZ Top, because he seemed to be utterly lost during the last half of the performance. Tucked under his Stetson hat, he sat still at his piano with a confused countenance, as if waiting for the nurse to wheel him off to Bingo.
In her triumphant return to awards shows, Taylor Swift, wielded a guitar equal to her weight and harmonized with none other than Stevie Nicks. If I’m not mistaken, and I am, her band consisted of Adam Lambert and a muppet on guitars, Kevin Barnes (Of Montreal) on a very small banjo, and Howie Mandell on drums. Shockingly CBS did not opt for a Taylor/Stevie make out party, reminiscent of the Britney/Madonna 2003 VMA scandal. The smart money says Kanye would have jumped on stage to interrupt anyway.
Michael Jackson’s “Earth Song” was easily the best piece of the night. Recorded with the same philanthropic air of “We are the World” and performed a la 2Pac, his voice was united with those of Celine Dion, Usher, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, and Smokey Robinson. I deem this an appropriate dichotomy considering MJ was also roughly 3/5 black. Keeping with the times, segments of the video were shown in 3-D; a fitting remembrance for Captain EO.
I estimate the backdrop of the Grammys included approximately 1000 sq ft. of elevated video screens. For Bon Jovi’s set they chose to fill that space with uber-patriotic images, all red, white or blue, and various Obama-nyms (i.e. Hope, Change, Freedom, Together, and Resist). I’m sure Shepard Fairey was shitting himself. Sensing the impending copyright infringement lawsuit, they transitioned through a duet with Sugarland’s better half, and into the audience-selected, “Slippery When Wet” classic, “Livin on a Prayer.” In a maneuver perfected by an unknown, yet seasoned, karaoke veteran, Jon Bon himself left the heavy lifting to the audience, merely pointing the microphone towards the crowd to fill in the vocal cord stretching “Whoa-Oh!!” Hey, you don’t last 20 years at the top by singing your own music, right.
This leads us to the most ill-conceived duet of the night, Mary J. Blige alongside Andrea Bocelli, for a truly unforgettable delivery of “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” It was like slathering peanut butter on Alaskan king crab. I like peanut butter and I like crab, but…. Regrettably, this was in tribute to the victims of the earthquake in Haiti. I consider it a gift they didn’t have to hear it.
Dave Matthews (and his band) showed up with a hoard of +1s, all with musical instruments in tow. Throughout the song “You and Me,” people continued to show up and bop around haphazardly as if their only instructions prior to show time were to “resemble wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men.” As the crowd reached critical mass it became apparent what all the hubbub was about. They were there to distract the audience from Dave’s dance “moves.” Already having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he’s a dead ringer for the offspring of Tom Hanks and Jeremy Piven, I witnessed him lurch into a dance that is best categorized in the context of “Seinfeld,” as “doing the Elaine.” Thankfully he came out of it on his own and there was no need for a tongue depressor, defibrillator, or further medical attention. I, on the other hand, am scarred for life.
The final performance of the night struck at almost 11:20 pm. Lil’ Wayne, Eminem and Drake stepped out one-by-one, in subsequent verses, and unsurprisingly, made sure that the FCC reps were still awake. At times, the interruptions became so frequent, viewers may have believed technical difficulties were to blame. Personally I think the bling in Wayne’s grill was fucking with the satellite broadcast signal.
Album of the Year | Taylor Swift “Fearless”
The final award of the night went to the insufferably adorable Taylor Swift. As much as I would like pretend I wasn’t happy, her initial reaction made me laugh out loud (that’s longhand for LOL). So overtaken by emotion and disbelief, she repeated the title of the award aloud immediately after receiving it from Carlos Santana. “It’s for best album of the year!” What’s more, her acceptance speech was extraordinarily articulate, composed, and sincere. Not that my overall opinion of the Grammys was riding on this moment (see the previous 2.5 pages of shit talk), but it left a nice taste in my mouth when I finally got to bed at midnight.
Now on to the music we like! None of the artists below were within 100 miles of the Grammys, but that’s the way we like it, right.
Even though I doubt real ninjas ever sleep, I’m hanging up my ninja pajamas and putting on my regular pajamas. Don’t forget to be a good American on Sunday and watch the Super Bowl….at least watch the commercials. My money is on the Colts but my heart is with New Orleans. See, me and Lil Wayne are pretty much like brothers. Drew Breezy and the Cash Money Ninjas! See you at the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards. Bi-ya!!
