After a two-week whirlwind the Olympics are over. Whew. I am undoubtedly a lifelong fan of the Olympics, both summer and winter, but the time commitment is grueling. A four-hour primetime broadcast for 15 days straight, with additional daytime coverage and a late night recap?! I had to talk myself out of buying a six-pack of Snuggies and riding out the entire two weeks on the couch. Thank god for DVR. Employing this little technological miracle to speed through commercials, I was able to slash the extensive primetime sessions into a streamlined 2.5 hour chunk of non-stop adrenaline. Further implementation of LEAN techniques (read, “situational fast-forwarding”) enabled me to carve out an additional 30 – 45 minutes, during the following:
Ice Dancing
What the suck?! The equally ugly twin of rhythmic gymnastics, these “sports” were birthed six months apart and I can only imagine the labor must have been as excruciating as watching. Forget waterboarding, ice dancing. Four minutes and I will be giving out nuclear secrets, names and cell numbers for FBI agents and the entire directory for the Witness Protection Program. Maybe my hatred stems from a failure to understand why ice dancing exists. It seems like a middle ground between pair’s figure skating and the Special Olympics. Ooooh, no doubt I just fired up a certain contingent of athletes. I’m sure I’ll be getting emails from Special Olympians who are incensed that I would even mention their names in the same breath as ice dancing. I’d be pissed, too.
But really, what am I missing? Well, thanks to About.com here’s the answer:
“Ice Dancing is ballroom dancing on the ice. In pair skating the man lifts the lady above his head and the pair does difficult acrobatic moves. Spins are done together in both disciplines, but in pair skating difficult solo jumps and spins are also done in unison.” Blah blah blah.
The article goes on much longer, but I quite reading after it defined multi-rotation turns as “twizzles.” I’ll just assume it fails to mention that ice dancing sucks at least 75 times harder than pair skating.
The bottom line is that there does not exist a fast-forward function fast enough to alleviate the agony of ice dancing. Call your local cable company and let them know their R&D department has less than four years to produce an “answer.” Get crackin’.
Women’s Snowboard Half-pipe
This is a clear case of poor scheduling. Instead of showcasing the women’s half-pipe competition first, which would have proven more chivalrous, the Canuckian leadership slated the competition for the day after the men’s snowboard half-pipe. And unless, you’re Osama’s cavemate, you’re familiar with the name Shaun White. Yes, Snow White’s grandson. While he may not be related to Snow White, he was unquestionably born of the snow. On the forefront of his sport, his tricks taunt the competition and shows zero respect for gravity. If you gave me a rocket-fueled jetpack, a “Cadillac” insurance plan and $5 million cash, I still wouldn’t come close to producing a comparable highlight (or blooper) reel. He is the Tony Hawk of snowboarding, he’s a badass skateboarder as well, and he’s the best thing to happen to Carrot Top since 1-800-COLLECT.
So why in the name of Gretzky did they have him go first?! It’s like having Led Zeppelin open for Sugar Ray.
His first run involved a straight air that carried him halfway to Uranus (he he) and would have been good enough to win gold by a wide margin. But NOOOOO, he had to take a second run. Instead of mercifully boarding down the center of the pipe, he proceeded to throw down the single greatest run in winter sports history; a run so fucking radical it nearly caused spontaneous combustion of my cerebral cortex and comprehensive failure of all fluid retention systems.
Commencing with his typical big airs, 1080i HD’s, flippies sick-nasties, and the like, he capped it all off with a trick that I believe was called the Double Weeeeeasel McGyroscope. Never seen before at the Olympics, the trick is a combination of maneuvers somewhere on the order of 13 flips (not including the two middle fingers he might as well be showing his competition), 9 spins and a crotch grab. Scoffing at physics, White exhibited no less than 11 degrees of motion, making physicists, viewers and laundry machines ill. He landed it with more style than Tom Cruise courting Kelly McGillis and rode away with the gold. Frankly, for his efforts I would have awarded him the gold AND silver. Hell, I’d give him the bronze and platinum medals, too!
So really, it wasn’t even just the women snowboarders that suffered, it was the rest of the Olympics that was left reeling. However, I’m glad to say that there were a handful of athletes that stepped up, producing brilliant performances, and easing my finger off of the remote.
Interviews with Lindsey Vonn
Ok, we get it. We’re supposed to rally behind a few choice American athletes prior to the games and use their remarkable talent, back-story, or in this case, looks, as a springboard to rabid patriotism. Well, few, if any, athletes received close to the same coverage as our Olympic darling, Lindsey. Unfortunately, the overexposure resulting from her pre-games shin injury and the subsequent media blitz with minute-by-minute updates left a bad taste in my mouth. The only shin I care about is James Mercer (see below).
My sentiments would not be so tainted had Vonn followed through with “her end of the deal” and actually brought home the slew of medals expected of her, but instead, she biffed it on the super-combined and the giant slalom. The real fast-forward-inducing awkwardness stemmed from the post-biff interviews. Both the questions and answers are at fault here. First, why don’t you just skip the interview entirely? Is there a voice in the reporter’s head (besides the producer) saying, “Let’s make her explain to millions of viewers why she straddled the gate and didn’t go around it?” Second, what makes them think she’s going to furnish anything but the canned response her media coach has burned into her brain?
“Well, Chuck, I felt really good at the top of the hill. I was pushing really hard, you know, really going for the gold. I tried to take that turn a little too tight and really carry my speed through to the next gate, but I caught rut and it forced my ski to the inside. It just wasn’t meant to be.”
I just wrote that response in about twice the time it took you to read it (because I failed Mavis Beacon), and I’m not even a skier. It’s called BS and it’s what you get just about 97% of the time athletes speak. So what’s up with the other 3%?
“Why did I straddle the gate, Chuck?! Because I thought it was your fucking mom, you prick! I just trained for four motherfuckin’ years to get here, I miss one fucking gate and now I’ve gotta answer questions from some Opie-looking ass-clown who jacks off to pictures of Tom Brokaw?! Get the fuck outta my face before I stab you in the heart with my ski poles.”
RATINGS UP!
Ok, nevermind. I guess I understand why they ask those questions. They’re looking for the 3%.
Regardless of which response she gave, I fast-forwarded, knowing that if it was a rant, I would be updated one minute later.
February 2010 | Music Contributions
Derek Rast & Dustin Illingworth | Kite Flying Society
(see more information below!)
February 2010 | Album Art
Chris Rae | Yin Yang Flowers | www.chrisraeart.com
Here is the link for the February 2010 music mix (via Sendspace).
http://www.sendspace.com/file/2nc3ql
If you know anybody that would like to be added to the “mix masters” distro-list, lemme hear bout it.
See you in Sochi!
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As usual, here is some random commentary on a few of the tracks included in this month’s mix.
OK Go | White Knuckles
While I’m 100% certain that these guys will never eclipse the level of adoration afforded by their epic “Here It Goes Again” viral video, they are still quite capable of writing great pop tunes with gigantic hooks. If you’re craving a video to tide you over until their next Jazzercise workout tape, maybe their video for “WTF” will suffice. For a full-body experience, make sure to stock up on hallucinogens prior to viewing. THE COLORS!!!
This just in! An alternate video that is scoring huge numbers on YouTube…try ~1 million hits per day. Take 372…
Yeasayer | Ambling Alp
With a name like Yeasayer, I would recommend we send these guys to Congress and get things fucking moving. Fuck this filla, buster (boo republicans). On their previous album All Hour Cymbals they cultivated a Middle Eastern sound. This time around they’ve opted to “mainline” the poppy shit to your brain. Yes, that is a weak play on Middle Eastern drug culture. However, I do not mean to suggest the album, Odd Blood, is uncomplicated and that you will be hearing it at GAP stores nationwide. Double however…anything is possible, right? Just keep those wacky dancing commercials to a minimum, please.
Broken Bells | The High Road
With monumental production talent and omnipotent ubiquity (had to Webster’s both of those) it was only a matter of time before Danger Mouse laid his paws on my Shins. The obvious question preceding the duo’s actual release, “Can Mouse master Mercer’s melancholy melodies?” Additionally, would this be the stuff of dreams or a titanic disappointment to fans of both artists? The answer….well, yer gonna have to decide for yourself. But if you’re looking for a baseline judgment to start with, here’s my professional opinion. Me likey. Upon first listen my ears recognize the opening notes as a hybrid of Money Mark (circa Change is Coming) and Zero 7. And then…..THEN….James’ siren song gently calls to me. I listen between the lines and hear him say, in a soft whisper,
“Hey Shins fan. Hi. I know it’s been a while since we can out with an album and you’re probably still a little upset that Marty and Jesse left the band, because Marty was really funny and Jesse was such a perfect fit, but don’t worry…I’m here for you. Don’t be mad. I’m yer buddy. Just keep listening and everything will be just fine.”
So I do, and I will. God bless you, James.
Owen Pallett | Lewis Takes Action
Leader of the group formerly known as Final Fantasy (which has never once failed to elicit thoughts of Nintendo), Pallett continues his solo efforts on the album Heartland. Of all of the Arcade Fire (AF) offshoots, his is the one bridging the gap between the “mainland” (i.e. AF) and the abstract, “artsy fartsy” derivative (i.e. Bell Orchestre). The album very much feels like the product of a composer, and this single is no exception. Angelic backing vocals, fluttering strings, and bouncing brass all set the stage for Owen’s operatic voice to lull you into his fantasy. Take action and listen for yourself.
Kite Flying Society | Lonely Days
After releasing their debut LP, Where is the Glow? in 2006, and winning Best New Artist at the San Diego Music Awards, KFS promptly disbanded. Boo!!!!! But what? They’re back! Pared down to just a pair, the founding members, Derek and Dustin, have undisbanded! (Miriam-Webster gently weeps)
Revisiting the days of duohood (Miriam-Webster: full-on sobbing), D&D continue to deliver blissful melodies supported by idyllic guitar and whimsical glockenspiel. Each song is as darling as a newborn babe on a summer afternoon, surrounded by sunflowers in and bathed in soft sunlight. Should you attempt to frown while listening, your head will rotate 180? to maintain a perfect smile.
If you like what you hear and you want to support two magnificent musical men, merely meander to their website kiteflyingsociety.bandcamp.com and grab up a copy of their album. BUT WAIT!!! Order now and they will include a remastered version of Where is the Glow? for F-R-E-E. Don’t wait to pick it up at live show either, because like North Korean moon landings, their live shows are non-existent*. While the new Society is a studio-only version, that is better than nothing by light years (and lonely days).
* Kim Jong Il would probably beg to differ on this “fact.”
Beach House | Zebra
In the interest of full disclosure, the following has less than nothing to do with the song “Zebra” by Beach House. However, it has everything to do with the best ever trip to the World Famous San Diego Zoo. My sophomore year in college, four buddies and I decided to hit up the zoo to find some wildlife even wilder than ourselves. In order to maximize our journey, a few of us chose to become “fun guys” while the others partook in more socially acceptable vices prior to entering the fun zone. While I’d love to recount every single instance of absurdity, I will spare you and move on to the only relevant occurrence of the day. Shortly after entering the park we came to the zebra exhibit/habitat/whatever PETA wants me to call it, and witnessed an aroused zebra. One of the group, for anonymity let’s refer to him as Chris…was heard to have remarked, “Look at the size of that zebra’s boner!” AS IF anyone within 20 yards had NOT seen the aforementioned erection, now everyone within 100 yards knew, including young children that there was an excited male zebra on the premises. I can only imagine the embarrassment of the nearby parents who were forced to answer the question, “Mommy, what’s a ‘boner?’” Without getting too graphic, I will say that it was impressive. Without even reading the informational plaque we all concluded that zebra’s are black with white stripes.
Charlotte Gainsbourg | Me and Jane Doe
The unofficial title to this track is “Me and Jane Doe (and Beck).” The loser’s howls can be heard throughout the track and it’s his hands at the production controls for Charlotte’s album IRM. His influence saturates the album and you can Sea the Changes to her style that are reminiscent of one of Beck’s albums….I can’t recall the name. The lyrics paddle along, nearly drowned in the expansive Sea of backing vocals, with barely a Change of tone or volume. Like a sailboat crossing the horizon at sunset, the voices fade gently and beautifully, lulling you into peaceful slumber.
I just wish I could remember the name of that fucking Beck album…
A’ight, once again I’m late. Sorry for the delivery delay. I would have sent this out much sooner, but I’ve been laid out in my Snuggie.
