Like a blackjacker with a good hand, Coachella has decided to double-down in 2012. And as much as that sounds like a sexual innuendo, I assure you the festival website’s explanation is less ambiguous and completely asexual (as in, lacking sexual metaphors or suggestion…right?).
Citing an effort to accommodate all potential patrons, the folks behind the Coachella curtain aim to curate two identical festivals over the course of back-to-back weekends. Impossible, you say? Of course, technically, there’s a snowball’s chance in Indio that the first weekend’s events are perfectly recreated the second go ‘round, but that’s not really the point. In addition to opening the doors to twice as many people, the thought is that fewer ticket seekers will be subject to scalpers, scammers, liars, cheaters, and anyone else deserving of the title “giant cock bag.”
With a music population seemingly starved by the meager rations of Coachella tickets, this grand announcement seems so brilliantly radiant that it’s hard to imagine the adverse side effects. Like the revolutionary weight-loss drug Alli ®, it’s hard to look beyond the amazing stories of weight loss and read the fine print (which includes verbiage that really fills in the paint-by-numbers picture that Olean outlined). So before you log on to coachella.com (tickets for Coachella(s) 2012 go on sale TODAY), take a minute to consider whether the benefits of that second weekend outweigh the oily diarrhea cons.
PROS:
Aside from offering some flexibility in scheduling, the dual weekends also afford affluent supporters the opportunity to déjà view it again, doubling back for all the lower seeded bands they neglected the first time through. Or for the truly obsessed, this gives the chance to stake out your prey favorite band, learn their routine, and kidnap them the second weekend. Or at least make an incredibly awkward, moist palm introduction followed by a moaning sound that will seal your place in their repressed memory chamber forever.
CONS:
While I can’t really think of too many cons with the first weekend, I’d watch out that second weekend. Have you ever heard the phrase, “too much of a good thing?” This may be an example.
The townsfolk just witnessed the population double1 the weekend prior, with a majority of the visitors capable of permanently damaging a police breathalyzer from a distance of 10 feet. So don’t blame the sandwich artist at Subway for shooting you dagger eyes and butthole mouth as your charm falls flat like the 6-pack of “wounded” Bud Lights you drank that morning.
Next, I’ve never stuck around the festival grounds for more than an hour after “closing” but I’d imagine once all the people have evacuated there is significant wear and tear on the grounds, not to mention the Honey Buckets. I don’t always think about where my Port-o-Potty was before I stepped in it, but when I do, I prefer to think it was at Bill Gates’ holiday party. This is certainly not the case for the second weekend and unless the festival organizers are going to invest in 900 Special Ops level janitors equipped with Lysol bazookas and hazmat suits, I’d opt for an impacted colon.
Finally, as much as I’d like to believe that there aren’t enough giant cock bags to buy up the extra 75,000 tickets that will be available, there may be. Ideally the shows won’t sell out and these people will be forced to sell at or below face value. Isn’t it nice negotiating with scalpers when the event is going on in the background; watching their tail fall between their legs as you enter an opening bid of 15% face value. “Eat my balls, scumbag.”
Big picture says that this is a good move and I can’t wait to see how it goes down. My hat’s off to the festival organization for the willingness to listen to the masses and try to give the people a better experience. Considering the immense scale and complexity involved, the limited number of issues inherent in the system is already impressive. When April rolls around we’ll see where the chips fall. Let’s just hope the second weekend proves to be an ace.
Don’t forget to get your tickets NOW!!
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Footnotes:
- Population of Indio, CA: ~85,000 (July 2009). Single day attendance at Coachella = ~75,000 (2010)
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TALKING POINTS
What other pros and cons do you see with the additional weekend?
Would you ever shell out 2x the dough and go both weekends?
When playing blackjack when is the best time to double down?
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