Mix'd Bag

Breast Milk Ice Cream Arrives | Get Pumped!

6 Comments 08 | March | 2011

Known throughout the world for their excellent cuisine…*barf*…the British have set their sights on expanding the confectionery palette.  More specifically, they are targeting the relatively narrow range of ice cream choices currently available.  I say this jokingly, as it seems every time I arrive at the frozen food section of the grocery store there are no less than 17 new flavors available in diet-friendly quantities ranging from 1 tsp. thimbles to – “Forget the diet, I quit” ½ gallons.

However, there is a new twist provided by an entrepreneurial London parlor, dubbed The Icecreamists.  Rather than milking the bored and sorry cows of England for yet another batch of plain vanilla, the shop recently debuted “Baby Gaga,” ice cream made from human breast milk.  Yum!  Just like the stuff you used to make with Grandpa during summer vacation, right.  Right??

I scream, You scream, We all scream for…Breast Milk?

Given the names of traditional British dishes, the choice is obvious, but considering there was a lengthy period of time in which “the sun never set on the British empire,” it is a wonder they are able to continue pushing the culinary envelope to a place where the sun doesn’t even shine.  For a heaping helping of “what the hell were you thinking when you named that, you perverts?!” consider the following selections…

Bangers and Mash (aka, “F**k Her and Run”)
Bubble and Squeak (aka, “The Tub Fart”)
Spotted Dick (aka, “Nudist Skin Cancer”)
Toad in the Hole (aka, “The Amphibian Spelunker”)

Surprisingly, the new delectable dessert has managed to raise eyebrows in spite of its relatively tame name.  The issue currently being taken up by British authorities is that of food and health standards.  Despite screening all of its donors for disease using the same process required for blood donation, a portion of the population is troubled by the use of titty milk to get you in the a la mode.  Who would have thought?

The removal of the “Baby Gaga” from the shelves occurred merely days after arriving on the scene, when it was greeted by huge demand.  Given such a strong, positive reaction it would seem likely that this isn’t the last we’ve heard of breast milk ice cream.  In fact, I’d bet there are creameries out there right now developing the next wave of flavors, ready to be released to the masses, pending FDA approval (or equivalent).

The next time you roll into Baskin Robbins don’t be surprised if you see these flavors of the month:

Fudge Nipple Ripple
Jugs of Cream
Best of the Chest
Racky Road
Melon Felon
Cookie Dough Ho
Mint Chocolate Tit
Cherries Boobalie

Not only that, you be able to enjoy these flavors in a variety of ways.  Try them in:

a Silly Cone
a Bowl-a-Ariola
a Motorboat Float
a Bra-full Cone
an A-cup
(grammatical error?  I think not.)

Supposing the British authorities eventually admit that breast milk is the TITS, we might be looking forward to a flood of bodily fluids in our sweats….I mean, sweets.  Even if you’re game for twin scoops of March’s flavor of the month:  “Double Dribble”, I’d pass on taster spoons of “Seamen’s Surprise” or “Cashew In Your Mouth.”

Just sayin’…..

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