Bad Fads | Fake Bullet Holes | Long | Distance

Bad Fads | Fake Bullet Holes

10 Comments 26 | February | 2012

There are plenty of things in this world that I don’t get, but occasionally something strikes me in such a manner that it’s hard NOT to comment. While I feel that we as a nation are on the back end of this fad I can’t help but pay extra special attention to cars donning stickers of bullet holes. For the longest time it sufficed to say, “Well, at least it’s not a pair of rubber testicles hanging off the back of a pickup truck,” but when I came across this “phenomenon” in the parking lot at work recently, it begged a more incisive look at the trend.

First, we need to examine the desired effect. Here is where the guessing starts because I have no fucking clue what is cool about having bullet holes in your car.

#1: I’m Tough
No you’re not. Fake bullet holes carry as much street cred as a bumper sticker that says, “My child excels at fractions at Oak Heights School for the Gifted.” You want to be tough? Buy a real fucking gun and strafe the driver’s side while blackout drunk on Henessey and see how awesome that looks. Super extra bonus points if you hit the gas tank. Car fires are waaaaay legit.

#2: I’m Funny
No you’re not. I don’t care if your mom thinks you’re Carrot Top, plastering faux ghetto memorabilia on your Toyota Tercel doesn’t make you #1 in da hood, G. Rather, it places you in social/cultural/racial wasteland. Real gangstas would just as soon put your car on blocks and light the whole mess on fire without bothering to steal your AM/FM cassette deck and Michael Bolton anthology. Real coworkers should heed this warning and begin to divert work from your desk, if they haven’t already begun to do so based on your email signature,

Fo’ realz, dogg,
Bull A. Toles
Sr. Accountant…fo’ dat ass

#3: No really, I’m tough
No really, you’re not. Lil Wayne ain’t comin’ round to let you know how “street” your ride is. No sooner would he praise your tear drop henna tattoos, than he would sign you to Cash Money based on your demo tape, “I’z down wit Microsoft, Werd”.

#4: I Bought It That Way
Dooooubtful. Unless you bought it yesterday for $1,000 less than the asking price, your story, kinda like your car, has holes. For starters, $1,000 less than the asking price of a car that has fake bullet holes is roughly negative $600, based on Kelley Blue Book, regardless of make and model. Second, even if you stole a car with these stickers on it, you’d better scrape that shit off, lest the cops track you down, beat you, and clown you for pinching such an easy target.

So if you’re a perpetrator, do yourself a solid. Take those stickers, place them strategically on your body and pretend you’re the Terminator. Fake your way through an Austrian accent, tell the lady at the 99¢ Store, “I’ll be back,” and then smash your P.O.S. car through the storefront. Once you’ve made it home and are recounting your epic heist of expired toothpaste you’ll realize that you should have stolen more bullet hole stickers.

Sheeee-it.

UPDATE: Check this photo of a real bullet hole, in a real Chrysler LeBaron, shot at two of my real friends, after they threw real spaghetti into the passenger window of some chode’s car for tailgating like a real dick.