You remember last year when you picked your shitty Halloween costume up off the floor the morning after and said to yourself, “Next year I’m gonna do better.”  Well, what did you come up with?  That’s right, nothing.  All the perfect ideas that came to you in dreams throughout the year were but infinitesimal doses of creativity, lost in a sea of mundane details.

Now it’s Halloween weekend and you’re standing in front of your closet staring into the abyss, trying to piece together some semblance of a(n)  __name your decade__ rockstar.

Guys have: [choose one of each]

• A [mullet][afro] wig
• god awful [cowboy hat][trucker cap][bandana]
• some [acid washed jeans][bellbottoms][really short shorts]
• gas station sunglasses
• mardi gras beads from a party seven years ago
• Your regular-ass looking shoes that will never pass for a costume other than “I’m Going to Work” or “Taking out the Trash”

Lookin’ good.  Now just throw a sock in your pants and voila, you’re Hallo-WINNING!!  Congratulate yourself with a beer….or 12.

Ladies have:

• A shit-ton of crazy jewelry that could only have been accumulated over the course of 17 years of shopping at Claire’s.
• An entire rack of costumes (all $60 minimum) that were carefully handcrafted in Hong Kong using the same amount of material found in a standard napkin.

The genesis of such costumes was undoubtedly a liquor-loaded board meeting of local registered sex offenders in a wood-paneled basement sex lair.  Unwilling to quite at just a “Sexy Nurse” they breached new territory, proclaiming no occupation is safe from “sexification”.  Say hello to “Sexy Proctologist” and her friend “Sexy DMV clerk”.  Don’t stop there, she invited her friends “Sexy Cashier at the Towing Yard” and “Sexy Night Shift Manager at Long John Silver’s”.  *schwing*

Each year the envelope is pushed further and hemlines are raised.  Soon college frat boys will be concocting coolers of Jungle Rape Juice in hopes of bedding down with…

• “Nippleslip McSlutbag”
• “Hooha DeLabia”
• “Snooki Von Hookerhiney”
• “Duayawanna Gettitin”
• “Allotta  Dicteasin”
• “Clyttia Shiverin”
• or “DeeDee LeBoobs”

Regardless of his costume; doctor, lumberjack, Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, while in the presence of the abovementioned females a man’s costume immediately transforms into “Sexual Predator”.  Fortunately not all women go this route, but traditionally the 18 – 30 year old crowd celebrates Whore-oween en masse.

If you are looking for an alternative to dressing like predator or prey, you’ve come to the wrong blog.  I just complain about stuff and offer no real solutions.  I will, however, dole out a piece of advice that came to me earlier this week.  It’s likely that your inbox has played host to numerous Evites leading up to this weekend.  It’s also likely that you’ve had to decline all but one of those offers due to your inability to master time travel.  Loser.  If this is the case I recommend revisiting those invitations and replying YES to all of them.  When the host(s) inquire as to your whereabouts during the party you can simply tell them that you were a ninja.

Touché.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s Friday night and I have a closet to peruse.

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TALKING POINTS
What the most creative costume you seen lately?

Random Joke:
Q.  Who was Moby Dick’s father?
A.  Papa Boner

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