This past weekend saw the return of NFL Football and while I’m not an avid follower, I realize that it does command the attention of millions of Americans; some to the point they will disregard a cardiologist’s opinion, claiming it’s “some Grey’s Anatomy mumbo jumbo”.
Host: Hey Ted, easy on the brats. Didn’t you just see a doctor about your heart?
Ted: Yeah, but I think he’s full of it. Kept talkin’ about “murmuring” and something about getting “Kodiak arrested”, but I ain’t a sloppy drunk bear so I’m good. Can you hand me a Coors? Oh, make sure it’s one with a wide mouth so I can ladle some of this nacho cheese in there. Man, FOOTBALL SEASON IS SO AWESOME!!
Speaking of massive heart failures, NFL fans and Americans as a whole were taken to the brink this summer, enduring the Player’s Union vs. Owners melodrama which opened for the government’s budget clusterfuck-tastrophy. Add to the mix a hurricane getting friendly with New England and you’ve got a population ready for something to cheer about.
The “expect the unexpected” mentality may be difficult to supplant given all the events just described, but if you’re the type that needs an anchor to keep your mind from drifting off into the sea of possibilities, here are a few football “facts” that you can count on as the NFL season kicks off.
The Cleveland Browns are totally irrelevant
I don’t care if some white Brown is on the cover of Madden 2012, they are terrible. They haven’t posed a real threat since Tecmo Bowl was released in 1989 and Bernie Kosar was at the helm. Despite the lasting pride that resides in the Dawg Pound, realistically its members should have been euthanized along with Arsenio Hall’s Dog Pound. Maybe if their jerseys weren’t a deeper shade of turd…but they kinda pigeon-holed themselves with the team name, right.
Where can I get these posters?
Ad Cam-Pains
In case you weren’t 100% aware, the NFL looooves money. Product placement is everywhere these days, from the Gatorade bottles on the sidelines to the Allstate Insurance nets for field goals. But commercials still dominate the 3-hour time slots, airing with such frequency that I’m surprised they haven’t begun plastering ad banners at the bottom of the screen beckoning us to try the New! Improved! Viagra Pepsi!
Possible Slogans:
“Put Some Pep in Your Step!”
“Pepsi Just Got Sexsi”
“Summertime is Boner Time”
The worst are the sets of commercials that bookend kickoffs. After surviving a barrage of commercials for regional restaurants that you will NEVER visit because those states have zero feet of coastline, you’re b-slapped with Bud Light commercials about “manning up”. We get it, guys. Drinking other light beers makes your penis retract inside of your body and hibernate. It may also make you appear….*brace yourselves*….unattractive to the female species!! Shit, I don’t want no man-gina. Better rush to Piggly Wiggly’s and get me some liquid sex.
When all is said and done, four 15-minute quarters of actual action have robbed you of the time it takes my girlfriend to run 24.5 miles (and for me to run 6 miles and promptly die).
Look! We totally made up a word!
Tom Brady’s hair will receive more media coverage than the Jacksonville Jaguars
Face it. His man-hunkiness combined with the perennially lauded talent of his teammates hoists him ever closer to the title of “best quarterback ever”….or at least the most beautiful. But New England ain’t that big, and the rest of the country isn’t so fond of his locks or his trophies. No telling how many times he has run into Giselle’s arms, tears streaming, sobbing, “Those people are teasing me!” To which she replies, “maybe if you didn’t have hair like a bitch…”
I'm a lioness!
Peyton Manning will prove he is the definition of “franchise quarterback”
He may not have Brady’s looks, but if Week 1 was any indicator, the Colts lynchpin QB may prove through his absence that he is, or was, the most talented player in the NFL. With continued drubbings like the 34 – 7 beat down delivered by the Texans, the Indy ponies’ playoff chances are likely to be “put down” halfway through the season. (Two euthanization jokes in one post?!)
For those of you who partake in quarterback schadenfreude, you can redirect your hatred of Brett Favre here. Unless Brett……..no way.
Guys. I'm going to be right over there....cheering....for the entire season.
The NFC West is the minor league of NFL
Most consider it tragic that one of these teams automatically makes the playoffs (Seattle Seahawks, San Francisco 49’ers, St. Louis Rams, Arizona Cardinals). The Seahawks made history last year by winning the division with a 7-9 record, clinching the berth with a 16 – 6 victory over South Dakota’s Class B 9-man high school champions, the Canistota Hawks. This year, who knows, maybe the 49’ers will hold aloft the trophy after a last-second Hail Mary to beat the Central California Women’s Prison.
Who's the Biggest Loser?
A drunken Ben Roethlisberger will sexually assault Plaxico Burress in a crowded nightclub and Plaxico will accidentally blow Big Ben’s Little Ben off.
Ben never saw it cumming. Bah-dum ching!
Ok, the likelihood of that happening are about ochocinco to one, but it’s fun to make wishes, huh?
Gimme some (fore) skin, buddy!
So now that I’ve equipped you with the R, S, T, L, N’s and E’s of the NFL season, feel free to add a little spice to your life by starting Kyle Orton as your fantasy quarterback. That or spike your Viagra Pepsi with Jalapeno cheese sauce instead of the regular stuff. At least when your extremities go numb and you die on your buddy’s living room floor you’ll be giving your own one-gun salute.
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TALKING POINTS
Should punters be allowed into the locker room at half time?
What is the best football video game of all-time? Trick Question: Tecmo Super Bowl.
If you could be any football player that ever played, who would it be? Trick Question: Brian Bosworth
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What? I don’t write about sports that much.
